The Empathy Jolt
Posted by Peter Deppisch on 09/29/2009
Empathy…can’t get it but know you need it to move forward?
Mark Goulston is is a psychiatrist, business consultant, executive coach, and a hostage-negotiation trainer for the FBI. He’s also the bestselling author of the books “Get Out of Your Own Way” , “Get Out of Your Own Way at Work” and his new book, “Just Listen“. Last week we profiled Mark in our post “Listening Tips from a Hostage Negotiator”. This week I’ve asked him to share this brilliant excerpt from his book on empathy.
The Empathy Jolt
By Mark Goulston, M.D.
How It Works
Empathy is a sensory experience; that is, it activates the sensory part of your nervous system, including the mirror neurons we’ve talked about. Anger, on the other hand, is a motor action—usually a reaction to some perceived hurt or injury by another person. So by taking people out of anger and shifting them into an empathic behavior, the Empathy Jolt™ moves them from the motor brain to the sensory brain.
To put it another way, anger and empathy—like matter and antimatter—can’t exist in the same place at the same time. Let one in, and you have to let the other one go. So when you shift a blamer into empathy, you stop the person’s angry ranting dead in its tracks.
And what about the person who’s on the defensive? Initially, this human punching bag is frustrated because no matter what he or she is trying to mirror outward——I’m sorry, I’m confused, I’m scared, I had a good reason for what I did—the ignorant blamer is blind to it. As a result, the person who’s under attack is usually in a state of quiet, barely controlled rage.
Suddenly and unexpectedly, however, the blamer knows just how sad, angry, scared, or lonely the defender feels and spontaneously turns into an ally. When the defender feels understood by the blamer and that they are on the same side, there’s nothing to defend against. The defender’s wall, and with it his unspoken rage and frustration, dissipates. The relief from no longer feeling “fear or loathing” toward the blamer spontaneously triggers a tremendous rush of gratitude and—miraculously—the person’s quiet rage turns into forgiveness and, beyond that, a willingness to work toward solutions.
When to Employ the Empathy Jolt
The Empathy Jolt™ is a powerful intervention to use when two people in your life are beating on each other brutally instead of communicating— or when at least one person is more interested in attacking than in listening. Use it at the first sign that a conflict is getting out of control…
Continue Reading … www.smartplanet.com
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